Saturday, August 3, 2013

I am not perfect!

There is something I would have never admitted 3 years ago when I became a Mom that I wasn't perfect at it. I wanted to have everyone think how perfect I was. What a great wife and mom I was... but I have to let you in on a little secret. I am not.  It all started when my twins yes both of them hit the floor.   

 I remember, I was mortified when a friend of mines little one fell off the couch when I was watching her other child. I was able to brush it off. Then it happened here with not just one baby but two...and not just once but like a zillion and one times!  The littles are like two billy goat gruff's. Always climbing and walking on things they shouldn't. The back of couches, the toy tractor that they climb on in hopes to climb over the baby gates! When this has happened the first few times I had feelings of guilt in my head like, “You are such a horrible mom!” and “Why weren’t you just watching?” and “You are so stupid to put him on the couch to just roll over." Now when it happens I feel like shit at first but then I say to the boys, "Well listen to what Mama and Daddy have said and not climb on things, and you wont get hurt." 
I never thought I would have a son with Cerebral Palsy but I do. I never thought I would be able to handle twin boys, but I’m still alive. Sometimes, I feel like it is just barely, but I’m making it through,  I’m walking blindly through my way of motherhood. Sometimes I am doing great and somedays not so much, Worrying about B's health makes me wanna just sit & cry. Many of nights I have had to just let it out in the shower when I am finally all alone and everyone is asleep in the house. There I can cry and no one can hear me. If I 'm not done its okay, I can quietly cry myself to sleep. Then wake up to to the littles laughing and talking on the monitor. This is when I know I am living the dream and doing everything perfect. Perfect for myself and my family.  
But, truth be told. I still cry a lot because motherhood is no joke. And, although some things I feel like I have down and mastered, like feeding the littles at a restaurant with little to no screaming now....( I said a little)  I cry because motherhood has me on the seat of my pants every day all day.  It is so true that with each stage, comes a different challenge. I never thought I’d be thinking about or going through but I am and it going to be alright. We are going to make as a family.
I don’t think any of us moms have it completely together. And, if you are looking at a Mom and you think she does, just think again. She probably is just doing the same thing you are, crying in the shower when everyone is asleep.  Or maybe sneaking a little wine into a baby bottle at times?                                                     
I use to want to make sure everyone thought I was perfect... the perfect wife and mother.... Then on the 3rd of July when my sister was visiting with my brother in law and nephew. I totally lost it.... B was sick and throwing up and having seizures... I wanted this visit to be perfect to have nothing wrong. That didn't happen. When we went to dinner I completely lost my shit. I now know that it is okay to let people know that I mess up so badly. I’m tired of showing all the perfect moments. I want to be real. Sometimes a little to real.  Let me tell ya a little secret. It’s hard to show people how badly I am. I need to be real. I saw this on Tell Another Mom 
Because being real means…
Swallowing your pride and saying you need help.
It means being open about your feelings even if they hurt someone else’s feelings.
It means sometimes saying no.
It means accepting that you have faults and forgiving yourself.
It means being as nice to yourself as you are to your friends.
It means owning up to the fact that you just screwed up royally and then moving on.
It means letting someone see your house messy.
It means sharing your whole self with someone, not just the parts that you want people to see.
It means not trying to keep up with the mom that does seem “perfect”.
It means letting go of the image in your head of what kind of mom you should be.
It means looking at another mom and seeing her for who she might be on the inside.
Let’s just stop comparing. Stop trying to live up to. Stop trying to perfect this thing that is impossible to perfect. There is no right way or wrong way to do things when you’re a Mom. So, stop pretending that there is. We are evolving and changing every single day. We are screwing up, starting over, and resolving to do better tomorrow. We are imperfect. And that’s just fine! It is all ok. Because when you look in your babies eyes they think you are perfect. To me my babies and husbands idea of perfect for me is what matters the most. 


Post a Comment