Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Cough drop and family date day!

We made it through very well with daylight savings time....I love it in fact. 
They go to sleep at 7:30-8:00 at night and now are getting up around 7-7:30 the next morning....

Yesterday we ended up in the ER with Franky. He has whooping cough. We all had our shot for this and yet the boys are still getting it. The sick seal bark coughs are so hard for me....We were sent home after he was given steroids. 
Last night was filled with sitting outside on the back porch and rocking him back and forth until he could breathe and fall back to sleep. In the moment I wish I was in bed but today as I reflect one day he will be 40 years old and not need his mama to hold him or his brother any longer. I hope when they are that age and they are married that they will always call me, that they will in some small or big way they will need their mama. 
Up until mid day yesterday the boys have been super sweet this week. It's mostly in the mornings they just wake off and start playing with one another. They are really only napping about an hour and forty-five minutes, which well...isn't enough! So, the mornings they are chummy, but the afternoons, they are a little rambunctious
 Lately we have been doing a Saturday family date time....last Saturday we went to the Tacoma Children's museum. I love these days.... they are always so much fun. My husband is such an amazing Daddy. He loves them like I have never seen a dad love their babies.  We always have so much fun watching the boys learn and try new things. This was our first time to go there and see what it was all about. WE loved it. The only thing we didn't love about it was how busy it was..... We will go mid week next time. 
They are such a joy to be parents to. I love them like I have never loved anything at all. It is fun to watch them learn and play. It is also wonderful to fall more in love with them every second of every day. 
The best thing in my life is watching them play together and love each other.     I love that so much!!! <3 I will be thinking of something to do for our family date this Saturday... Hopefully the boys will be germ free and feeling like themselves... Or we will be having date day on the couch in our home...that sounds kinda great too!! 

Friday, March 8, 2013

Family is forever.

                 We all have times in family where you just need a break. 
Where you feel like there is no other answer besides to walk away. 
To just stop and let go. 
The thing is that I was raised this way...
I was raised to love my family, almost to a fault. 
There is almost nothing that would effect me so much that 
I would stop talking to family for the rest of my life. 

The only thing I can think of is if Someone touched my babies. 
There wouldn't be a weapon needed I would kill the person that touched 
them with my bare hands. 

We had a family member that we didn't talk to for years because they 
made choices to do drugs. 
Along with that came even more bad choices. 
Seeing what it did to my Grandparents.
This family member changed their life and after YEARS of being gone, 
they are now in our lives. 
We have all reunited and have become a family. 
Forgiveness is so hard. 
I see it that if God can forgive us, 
so well and so full of love that we need to try it as well. 

Feelings get hurt, things get said in the heat of a fight. 
When this happens we need to forgive. 
We need to realize that life is so short. 
Why be filled with a void. 

I always feel like if I don't talk to my family, days will go by and then weeks, then someone might no longer be here. 
I couldn't go a day without telling my parents and my Nana and Poppie and my babies how much I love them. 
NOT One Day will pass without them knowing......
 "they" say Family is Family, this is so very true!!
I'm so that I have never missed a moment in their lives. 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Tough choice...

As I sit here and write this post, the house is quiet
My only time when its just about me. 
My time. 
I spend that time most nights writing.
Tonight I reflect on our journey to have the boys.
It took so much to get these boys to be 
a reality. 
I remember the day we did the Transfer like it was Yesterday,
 not two years ago. 
When they transferred them there was a spark that happens.
Right that instant I was a mommy to two babies. 
I prayed to God that they would both take....
A few days later Chrystal took 
MANY home tests 
& the stick was clear with the two lines....
Right away I knew I had two babies! 
10 days later we got the call that yes in deed 
we were having twins.....

Fast forward till this moment as I am writing this....
Tears are running down my face. 
I am a hot mess and so deeply emotional.
We know a few things...
1) we could never find another Surrogate we would trust with our babies.
2) Financially we could never afford it. ( way more money then we thought it would be) 
3) We are both getting older by the second and it would take another few years to get it all together to do it again....
4) We are blessed to have these little guys and another baby would mean less time to spend one on one with them. ( its hard to do that now any ways) 

But........ this is what hurts my heart the most....
We have Embryos that we pay rent for 
I called today to see when the next payment is due and I wanted to check out how many we have. Just to double Check....
WE have SIX.
Yes, we have six babies frozen waiting for us. 
I could have more babies.....
We have been praying about it and we know what 
God has laid on our hearts. 
We have talked to my parents and we have talked about this choice.
We are giving them up......
I could have my little girl or another adorable baby boy....
But we can't.....keep waiting.

So Mamas a hot mess tonight, feeling like I am loosing my choice to be a mommy again. 
A lot of emotions are going on in my heart and my head. 
THEY are my babies and I love them too.
Its a weird and wild feeling...
I hate that I can't be pregnant with them myself....
I would have 10 kids if I could...
My V-jay-jay would be like a clown car and I would put the Duggar lady to shame
But its not and at last its okay to say goodbye.
It is also okay to cry while I do it. 
I will just hug my little men a little tighter and that will make the 
sadness go away.


I feel so blessed to have not one but three 
out of four grandparents still alive today.  
My Dad's parents lived only a few doors down when I was growing up
I have always thought of them as my second set of Parents. 
This is how I see my Mom and Dad with the boys... 
They only live a little ways away. They come and visit almost everyday.

My Grandma Mom (My Mom's mom) worked full time when I was growing up
My Grandpa died when I was 4. 
His death set loose a series of events that I wont get into 
but it really was hard on my moms family. 
My Grandma had to do everything on her own and keep the house still running. When I was about 14 she married her husband, along with him came his son and in my heart they are my uncle and Grandpa.  
The two of them made our family feel so complete

I'm trying to teach the boys as they grow up how important and loved they are by their Great Grandparents

Here are some pictures of the boys and their GG's.
We will treasure these moments forever....

My Dad's Mom (Nana) with B

Nana with F. 
My Dad's Father (Poppie) with F.
My Mom's mother (Grandma Mom) with F. 
four Generations on my mom's side. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

Growing so fast...

The growing up thing is something we knew would happen.  It's just inevitable that they wouldn't stay small.  It's filled with so many mixed feelings though, happiness to see them go through and experience things.  Then sadness to know that they will never be this tiny again.
Right now they are at my favorite stage so far. Every day I just can't stop smiling as I watch them explore, learn, and play.  They are so happy with the little things.  Sometimes I wish I could see the beauty and fun everywhere like they do. 
I love laying in bed in the am, (after they have made it though a long amazingly lovely good Nights sleep.) & they are each in their own cribs and I hear them chit chatting to one another. Having their Twin language.  I love how much they love each other.  It is one thing that I pray everyday. I pray that these two will forgive quickly when they fight. That a day will not go by when they don't talk, that they love each other deeply and that the two of them will always be best friends.
They are now 16 months they weight about 22lbs each. Both are walking like crazy!!! My Nana told me a year ago...that before I know it "you'll be chasing one, one way and the other will go the other way. Well that has come to life.  I end up hearing one in the kitchen knee deep in dog food and in the dog water, all the while the other one is attempting to climb over the baby barricade in the living room that protects the books, and electronics..  
Luckily they stop most of the time when I say STOP Or NO. Now Keeping them in one spot is nearly impossible unless there are Fishes or Yogurt bites in my hand.... Yes I will bribe my kids with food, Hell if it works for the dogs it should work with the kids right?!? Now if only that Clicker would work?!?! 
They are in taking their first nap of the day. It took me from 9:30-11:30 for them to go to sleep. They are adjusting their own sleep times. At Christmas time they were going to bed between 6:30-7 and now they are trying to go to sleep from 7:30-7:45. With Spring forward coming up they will go to sleep at 8:00-8:30 and this makes this mama so happy!!! This means that we will get up between 8-8:30 if I have anything to say about it.....But most of the times I do not have a day....   I miss the moments when they were in these baby pictures....Why does it go by so fast...