Tough choice...

As I sit here and write this post, the house is quiet. 

My only time when its just about me. 

My time. 

I spend that time most nights writing.

Reflecting. 

Tonight I reflect on our journey to have the boys.

It took so much to get these boys to be 

a reality. 

I remember the day we did the Transfer like it was Yesterday,

 not two years ago. 

When they transferred them there was a spark that happens.

Right that instant I was a mommy to two babies. 

I prayed to God that they would both take....

A few days later Chrystal took 

MANY home tests 

& the stick was clear with the two lines....

Right away I knew I had two babies! 

10 days later we got the call that yes in deed 

we were having twins.....

Fast forward till this moment as I am writing this....

Tears are running down my face. 

I am a hot mess and so deeply emotional.

We know a few things...

1) we could never find another Surrogate we would trust with our babies.

2) Financially we could never afford it. ( way more money then we thought it would be) 

3) We are both getting older by the second and it would take another few years to get it all together to do it again....

4) We are blessed to have these little guys and another baby would mean less time to spend one on one with them. ( its hard to do that now any ways) 

But........ this is what hurts my heart the most....

We have Embryos that we pay rent for 

I called today to see when the next payment is due and I wanted to check out how many we have. Just to double Check....

WE have SIX.

Yes, we have six babies frozen waiting for us. 

I could have more babies.....

We have been praying about it and we know what 

God has laid on our hearts. 

We have talked to my parents and we have talked about this choice.

We are giving them up......

I could have my little girl or another adorable baby boy....

But we can't.....keep waiting.

So Mamas a hot mess tonight, feeling like I am loosing my choice to be a mommy again. 

A lot of emotions are going on in my heart and my head. 

THEY are my babies and I love them too.

Its a weird and wild feeling...

I hate that I can't be pregnant with them myself....

I would have 10 kids if I could...

My V-jay-jay would be like a clown car and I would put the Duggar lady to shame! 

But its not and at last its okay to say goodbye.

It is also okay to cry while I do it. 

I will just hug my little men a little tighter and that will make the 

sadness go away.